Shoulda. Woulda. Coulda.

I’m sorry, Mom, for not appreciating you more …

I’m sorry for not realizing all the pain and struggle you went through, but still kept a smile.

I guess that’s where I get it from.

I’m sorry for, sometimes, thinking you were weaker than you actually were. I know now that you were the strongest woman I ever knew, and happy that I was able to tell you this.

I’m sorry that I didn’t value you the way a child should value their mother … the way YOUR child should … you only get one mama.

I’m sorry it has taken me being a parent to see this … feel this … but most importantly … Understand this!

SHOULDA … WOULDA … COULDA.

We’ve all been there.

I shoulda said this. If I had more time, I woulda done that. I coulda told you whatever, but I didn’t.

Too scared of what you’d think. Too ashamed of who I was. Too proud to let you down.

People, the average person, may wonder, “what is this, that and whatever…” Be patient … This, that and whatever will slowly come to be … the moment I decide to set them free.

A whirlwind of emotion … some too great to relive, some too small to ever forget …

People talk of memories … My memory haunts me with a childhood of decent quality … Yet my soul hasn’t forgotten the pain that has defined me.

I’m so sorry, MOM … for not seeing … for not knowing.

You were a total magician with that “wand” of yours. Was your power so great that it blinded me to believe you were perfect? Then when you weren’t, it baffled me … Where are my magical powers?! Am I not worthy to carry the “wand”?

At times, my own children, whom I would DIE for, have disrespected me … What have I done that I can’t seem to find my own damn “magic wand” to “bippity boppity boo”, and dare I say … make their world perfect?!

BLAH!! Perfect is boring … but “perfect” for them … What am I missing? I’m honest. I communicate. I give GREAT advice, and wisdom, through my own wrong doings, or at least I try.

I’m sorry, Mom, that we didn’t have more time for these questions to be answered …

I wasn’t done needing you!!!

I feel your presence, daily, and for THAT, I am NOT sorry … I am grateful.

We have a bond that could never be broken … even death isn’t keeping us apart. But how I yearn to hear your voice … feel your touch … this … that … whatever … just …

… one … more … time.

My heart broke a terrible break the moment you took your last breath …

06/22/2018 at 1:20pm

I lost more than “just” my mother.

I lost the ONE person whom had ALWAYS been there for me.

I lost the ONE person whom always knew how to make everything “not so bad”.

I lost the ONE person whom always believed in me, encouraged me.

In that moment, I felt I had lost EVERYTHING.

What I gained was … more patience … compassion … empathy … INTUITION …

my guardian angel.

It has taken almost three years for me to realize what I’ve gained, by losing the one person whom I never thought I could live without ….

Don’t be me … realize your worth … realize you can do anything you put your mind to. Realize that while it’s great to have the best support system, ever … there will come a day when all you can depend on is yourself. Take my advice, and …

Know your worth.

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