I lost my Mommy on Friday, June 22, 2018 @ 1:20pm … The last two months have been pretty hectic, as her decline in health started to progress quickly. It was a long road, but I’m still here … There were days that I wasn’t quite sure I would make it through, yet here I am …
I’m “re-sharing” this poem that I wrote for her last July, after having been rediagnosed with Vulvar Cancer. I’m writing something special to share at her Memorial Service, at the end of July, but for now, I’m sharing this, once again.
It’s funny when you think, “How am I gonna get through this?!”, and then one year later, you look back and think … “Ahhhh, that’s how!!!” … It’s pretty remarkable!
I have a child that has been driving for almost 2 years, a boy. I also have another child with a permit, and will get a driver’s license in July, a girl. She always wants to drive, and I get it … I was 16 once upon a time, too. She’s a very good driver … Actually, she’s such a good driver, that she “kindly” tells me how to drive, at times … yeah, it’s impressive! <insert heavy eye roll>. That being said, why do I have such a hard time handing her the keys, and just letting her drive?! Things would be a lot less “yelly”, if I just gave her the keys, every single time we have a place to go, but I don’t … and if I’m being honest, I won’t. Because after a lot of soul-searching, I have come to the conclusion, that since I cannot control the hands of time, I can control whose hands the keys land in. She has the rest of her life to drive, I only have three months left to be her chauffeur, before getting a car of her own, and ONLY a little over a year, before she graduates high school, and starts her own life. I know it sounds dumb … I know she should be practicing … and she does, just not as much as she wants. Once she has a car of her own, and the “freedom” to come and go, I’m pretty sure she’ll go, more than she comes, and I’m okay with that, at that point in time. I am the person who likes to celebrate growth and milestones, and very much looks forward to a reason to celebrate my children. I try to not be overly sentimental, however, it’s a different set of emotions, that is so unexplainable to parents who haven’t been here yet. Knowing that the time is coming for my older two children to spread their wings and fly, is a lot to handle. As much as parents “look forward” to empty-nesting, it’s a wee bit scary for this mama. I feel secure in how we’ve raised our children, to be great products of society, but have I really done enough?! Will my “life lessons” resonate with them … Will they remember my words when it’s time to make an important decision?! Oh my goodness … Have I done enough?! It’s a scary reality knowing that your kids will be on their own, making grown up decisions, making mistakes, hopefully learning from those mistakes, and growing from them. My daughter has this false sense of reality, that as long as you’re doing the right thing, everything is peachy keen. In a sense, yes it could be, but you never know what bumps in the road could arise, what crazy forks in the road you will come in contact with, and have to make a decision … LEFT or RIGHT?! Have I done enough, have I said enough, have I taught them enough?! At the end of the day, and in my defense (wink wink) … I know she’ll be okay … I have been in the car with her enough, to know that she will be just fine. She thinks she neeeeeds to practice, I know that even with all the practice in the world, it doesn’t stop all the assholes that ARE on the road, and as long as she’s paying attention and doing the right thing, she will be fine.
For now, I’m holding on to the little girl who never wanted to leave my side … the little girl who couldn’t let me leave the house without her being in tow … the little girl that I have a bond with that no one can touch … the little girl who used to sleep in my bed … the little girl who looked at her mama with those green eyes …
… the little girl that I am just having a hard time, letting go!!
Allane’s writing is most definitely versatile. Her writing is soraw and so real, and really makes you stop and think … To be nominated for this award by her, means more than the absolute world to me. Allane, you give me more motivation (and giggles) than you are probably aware. Thank you for always shouting your words of encouragement, my way!
So, the rules this time around are to write seven interesting things about yourself, then choose fifteen of your favorite bloggers to nominate. ((And I took out the ‘u’ in favourite, because I had to! hahaha!!)) ((PS … I don’t know that I know 15, as the ones that I do love, have already been nominated, but I’ll do my best to nominate people whom haven’t been nominated yet! We’ll see how that works out! ha!))
7 THINGS ABOUT ME,
THAT I’M SURE YOU NEEEEDED TO KNOW!
I’m a morning TV junkie! It’s seriously hard for me to start my day without my daily fix! #truestofstories
I have been an excellent “speller” since 2nd grade, when I won the spelling bee with the word ELEVEN, which you would think would be favorite number, but it’s not, it’s 4, because I loved Lenny Dykstra (American baseball player) when I was younger. ((Fun FACT: I’m also a speed reader. My senior year English teacher taught me how to do it, because I loved to read, but am ADHD … need I say more?!))
I’ve been a GUEST on the Rachael Ray Show ((April 2016)). My segment included Cameron Diaz … and I have the pics to prove it!! Or, you can easily google it, as well! haha!
I should have been a music producer … I have a wicked ear, and can tell if someone is gonna “make it”, or not. I’m very good at picking the winner in all of the reality singing shows, very early on. I love music, I love lyrics … I can carry a tune, and am a ROCKSTAR … in my car and my shower!!! LMAO
I was super shy as a kid … I opened up a bit in high school, but was still shy. It took me turning 40 (maybe a little earlier), before I realized that I’m a funny bitch, and people need to hear what I have to say, and now you can’t shut me the F&*% up!!
I am a beauty school drop out .. insert GREASE’s Beauty School Drop Out song … but go ahead and ask me why?! Ohhhhh … so glad you asked!!! I dropped out HALF WAY THROUGH (seriously, all I had to do, was work on the floor, I had already learned everything), but the reason is … I’m NOT a caddy bitch (not alllll beauticians, but a lot), and couldn’t see myself hanging around with them for the rest of my life! lol Little did I know twenty something years ago … the limitless possibilities that came with that license!! I often think about going back to get my license, then reality clicks in … I’m OLD … my knees hurt, my wrists aren’t as agile as they once were, and my body just can’t STAND in one place for longer than 10 seconds! Soooooooo … probably not the job for me!
I love tattoos, and have SIX of them, with a few more to come!!!
I’m breaking the rules, and am not nominating anyone … Not because I don’t feel people are worthy, but because the ones I would nominate, have already been, and because I have been through 2 Nor’Easter’s in less than a week, and am preparing for Nor’Easter number 3, on Monday. I really just wanted to respond to MY nomination, because I have so much respect for Allane, and am truly honored that she thought of me!
Thank you so much, my like-minded, soul sister! It truly is a blessing, getting to know you! Everyone, please check her out her shit (well, it’s not shit, as in bad shit … it’s shit, as in THE SHIT!) @ https://allanesinclair.wordpress.com/ I hope everyone has an amazing day, and takes the time to read about what Allane has to say … she’s pretty amazing!!
It’s the little things, that make a huge difference …
Sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose, right?! Right. My “conventional marriage”, was finalized in divorce, at some point in Early 2004. We brought another child into our marriage in July of 2001 … my only full-term baby (that’s right, in 2010, I had another premature child, 6 1/2 weeks early), and even she wanted to be born six weeks early, but doctors were able to stop my contractions .. with a little bed rest, I was able to hold her in until 39 weeks … July 2, 2001, it’s a girl … 6 pounds, 6 ounces, at 6 am … Hmmm … you said a girl, right?! Not the devil?! (Again, I joke … sorta)
My ex-husband started cheating on me in November of 2000 … That’s right … You do the math! Yet, I still fought for what I thought was mine … I lost, but eventually, when I realized he got another person pregnant, I won. I won my freedom from him, back … I no longer had feels for him the way a wife should have for her husband … Soooo …
Photo creds: memecrunch.com
In January, 2003, I moved my children and I to Hickory, NC. I was no longer a wife. I had a new title: Single mom … with nowhere to go. My mom, and my brother lived there, so it made sense. We spent about 6 years there. I have nothing, but wonderful memories, and few close friends that will be cherished forever. I do believe it was when my older two kids were happiest in life, if I’m being 1,000% honest with myself. It’s also where, for four years, twice a year, my son was injected with botox injections, in both legs, and then casted (to stretch the tendons in his calves and ankles) for 6 weeks, each time. Even though his cerebral palsy only affects the right side of his body, the doctors felt that doing it to both legs, at his age, would give him an “even” feeling. Along with the botox, came extensive, intensive, physical and occupational therapies, 2 – 3 times per week, during these four years, and beyond. I could sit here and list the numerous procedures and therapies my son has had to endure, but I can’t remember them all. There have literally been hundreds, and if anything, I’m under-estimating!
Single mom, 2 kids … my world … not such a bad title to hold.
I seem to have forgotten to mention what exactly caused my son to develop cerebral palsy (CP) … At birth, he suffered a Grade III, out of IV, bleed, on the left side of his brain, affecting the right side of his body. In other words, he had a stroke. Given too much oxygen at birth? Maybe. However, for all the things that SHOULD be wrong with him, he is truly blessed, and a FUCKING MIRACLE!! Through the years, I have seen many kids born at 26, 27, 32 weeks. I have also seen many born at full term, with cerebral palsy, requiring a wheelchair, having no speech or any motor skills … I KNOW HOW LUCKY WE ARE!!! It’s trying to teach a kid with a severe disability, just HOW LUCKY HE IS!! Even though I have ingrained, in my son’s brain, that CAN’T isn’t in his vocabulary, I still struggle with showing him that he fucking CAN!!
He can do anything he wants in life … He may have to work a little harder, but he FUCKING CAN! (He’s almost 19, so I don’t feel bad swearing at this point).
In 2008, I decided that my ex-husband needed to be in our kids lives more. So what does every sane, normal person do?! Oh … I upped, and moved back home to New Jersey, in August. This whole section of life, is a whole other blog! wink wink!
August 2009 … Children’s Hospital Of Philadelphia (aka CHOP) …
My son had some testing done at CHOP, to decipher exactly what could be done, surgically, to help aid him in his growing years. You see, it was these tests that clued us in that his right hip was growing in, instead of straight, causing his right leg to be extra tight, shorter than his left leg, and caused him to tippy toe his right foot for many years, walking with an EXTREME limp. What brought me to this point, as his mother?
Mean people! Cruel fucking humans.
Earlier that year, in the Spring, my son wanted to play baseball … a great little athlete, he was (is) … even with his “gimpy limp”. He had (has) an arm on him, like you wouldn’t believe. It’s a damn shame that some people have to be complete, fucking assholes their whole life, and a mother, at that. Being that we were new in town … No one knew that I was his mom. I was so proud of my kid for joining a team, where he hardly knew anyone. The kids were pretty accepting of him … 3rd graders are still sweet! The first time my son was up to bat, he hit the ball … AWESOME! … and as he ran to first base … Cheering him on, I overheard another mom question who my son was … (in my best snotty voice) “Whoooo is that kid?! Isn’t he considered a liability?!”.
NOW, in my best Mama Bear voice, “I’m sorry … WHAT?! BITCH! … THAT is MY kid … He is NOT a liability … he is a fucking miracle, with a heart of gold, and a smile that would melt your cold ass heart! He has cerebral palsy, and has EVERY right to be here, just as much as your perfect little liability, er … son does!”. ((GTFOH!!))
Can you believe the audacity of some people?!
September 21, 2009 … Morristown Memorial Hospital … Surgery Day!
Seany, pre-op!
Look at that sweet, sweet face! How could you not fall in love with this kid?! His big brown eyes, super long eyelashes, and a smile that just makes everything okay in the world! Side note: I love his smile so much!!
THIS … was the scariest day of my life. My baby boy was about to endure EIGHT procedures, in EIGHT hours, and while my memory fails me to know the exact terms of each procedure, I can give you the synopsis … Basically, the doctors had to break his hip, rotate it out, put a temporary plate in (which was removed a year later, during another surgery), while it fuses back together, along with lengthening his groin muscle, heel-cord surgery, stunting the growth in his left leg, so his right leg can play catch-up (those tools were called 8 plates, and they too, were also removed, in a separate procedure, once his left leg caught up, about 2 years later) … that’s five … the other three things were minimal. He was supposed to come out of surgery in a body cast, for 6 weeks. It was a last-minute decision, by the orthopedic doctor, to NOT cast his body … Because he knew my son, and he knew it would only hinder his recovery … and he was CORRECT!!
Sean, about two hours after surgery.
Again … Look at that face … all drugged up, and still has a smile for his mama! GOD, I LOVE THIS KID! So, now that we have gotten through the surgical aspect, now starts the long road to recovery … A full year recovery, and then some. He had to learn how to walk again. “It’ll be a good 12 weeks, before he’s ready to start to walk,” Dr. Rieger said, “However, I decided to not body cast him, in hopes that he may walk sooner.”
And that he did! He walked 6 weeks before he was even supposed to start trying! “YOU ARE FREAKING AMAZING!”, I would tell him time and time again. “There isn’t anything, YOU CAN’T DO!”, would roll off my tongue, over and over. We went through a full year of physical therapy, and unless you knew he had CP, you would never know it. Mission accomplished!
Fast forward to sixth grade … Ahhhhh Middle School!! Difficult transitions to get used to. You’re expected to do more for yourself in school, change classes, etc. When Sean started middle school, we lived in a neighboring town, to where we live now. After the first marking period, his teachers were all telling me that he needed extra help, or maybe he was a resource kid … a kid who needed help in every aspect of school.
WHAT are you people telling me?! I have NEVER had a problem with his schooling, except in 4th grade, but that’s when he had his big surgery, and got a little behind. He was totally fine in 5th grade, when his lowest grade was ONE C, the whole year?! I literally left there in TEARS!! Who the hell wants to hear that their kid is resource material?! NO ONE, but here we were! Because of his cerebral palsy, he was always being tested, and was always “over testing”. They could never find any learning disabilities … EVER!
Other circumstances in my life, caused us to move from that town, to the one I live in now, allowing my son to change schools in the middle of 6th grade. He did okay that year. Seventh grade, we struggled with some bullying and grades … Of course, I thought it was the bullying that was causing his struggle with academics. WRONG! In 8th grade, yes EIGHTH grade … it was his Math teacher, who finally “heard” what he was trying to say. Long story, short, it was found that he had a terrible processing speed. So things that should normally take you a few seconds to answer, would take him a minute or two … or longer … therefore resulting in a documented learning disability. The poor kid was struggling for years, but didn’t manifest, until he had to do things for himself … such as MIDDLE SCHOOL!! I felt like the worst parent ever … for pushing him so hard to do better. His step-father and I really didn’t accept anything, but his best!! To our credit, every teacher, and counselor has told us that if it weren’t for our “push”, he wouldn’t be where he was at that point.
The very first day of 8th grade, he had broken his “bad” leg, in two places, from a little spill on his dirt bike … Here we go again … Getting behind in school, and MONTHS of physical therapy. I remember when Erica, his therapist, asked me what my goal was for him … without hesitation, I said, “I would like to see him run … properly.”
It’s the little things in life, that people without any type of disability take for granted. I had never seen my son run with both arms at his side, pumping back and forth. Instead, the left side worked “properly”, while his right side flailed in the wind. Although cute, he was about to enter the next four years of his life, in high school …
It’s the little things, that make a huge difference, and the day came …
December 18, 2013 … Drayer Physical Therapy, Sparta, NJ
I saw my son run, like a person without CP, for the first time in his life … LIKE A BOSS!
Tears roll down my face, and I’m reminded, we’ve already come so far.
April 24, 1999 … 7:15 am … Trying to place an epidural, in a spine, on a body that has gained over twenty pounds of water weight in less than three weeks, is proving to be near impossible. I was “stuck” in the back about five or six times, before the anesthesiologist said,
“If I can’t get it this time, we’re gonna have to put you under, and do the c-section while you sleep.”
Photo creds: Memegenerator.com
“Ummm … there is a chance that my son won’t live … You WILL get it this time, because I want to see him alive, even if only for a minute!” (Wow! Look at me! Haven’t even met my son, and I’m already a Mama Bear!) With that, the epidural was inserted properly, and within minutes, the doctor who delivered my son, Dr. Yvonne Thornton, entered the room, and said …
“Now, please remember, that his lungs are just now developing. You will probably not hear him cry, when he is born. This is normal. We were only able to give you one steroid shot to help his lungs, versus the two shots, that you would normally get. We are running out of time … for you, but I assure you (in her most sympathetic voice), even though you probably won’t hear him cry, technology has come so far …”
She continued on, but that’s all I really heard … Technology?! WTF does technology have to do with MY SON, and his premature lungs … Actually, I remember a nurse saying that he was so early, that it wasn’t even considered premature, but rather … immature. HA! A title he still holds dearly, to this day!! (I joke … sorta)
April 24, 1999 … 8:54 am … I heard the sweetest little “Wahh!”, that I have ever heard in my entire life! “It’s a boy … One pound, nine ounces, 12 1/2 inches long, apparently with a better set of lungs, than we anticipated!”
I will never forget that sound. I have it on lock down in the memory banks of my heart, and my brain … I will never forget his first, tiniest of whimpers, and the thoughts that scattered through my brain …
That’s my boy!
Stronger than even the doctors thought!
A fighter from birth.
Strength you didn’t know you had.
YOU HAVE PURPOSE!
You got this, kiddo!
I will never leave your side … EVER!
THAT, is my promise to you.
July 30th, 2000 ~ One year “corrected” age ~ When you have a child that is born three months early, you learn a lot of new jargon that you’ve never heard before. You also become super acclimated to the NICU, and you start to believe that you could be a nurse, with all that you have learned. Especially when your child is there for 12 weeks. Today’s word is “corrected age”. He’s 9 months old, 6 months, corrected age. For ONE YEAR, and three months, I had to use this term. It was frustrating. Unless you know, you DON’T know. To the mom who has her babies when they’re supposed to be born, it may sound silly to you, that I complain about this … It seems minimal, in the grand scheme of life, however … it’s ANNOYING … just another way to point out that my kid is different from yours … like I said … ANNOYING, and perhaps, dare I say “judgey”?! The only positive, is that if someone overheard me saying “corrected age”, it brought on the conversation, and I was happy to talk about it. Knowledge is power, right?! Getting back to my point … In August of 2000, I had to bring my son for a developmental check up. I had noticed that he was favoring one side of his body, over the other. When he crawled, at nine months, he would over use his left side, like an army crawl, but the left side did the majority of the work. After a three-hour evaluation, the results were in …
“Your son has a condition called Hemiparesis, which affects his right side.”
You were goddamned gorgeous, and a fucking conundrum, my mother. When I think of all the men in your life who’d tried to solve your riddles, I laugh. The relics of those men inhabit a corner in the catacombs of my heart. I don’t want them, but each one retains a precious part of you, so there they shall remain. Yes, I’ll keep those tokens to remind me that I never want to be like you—insecure.
You’d always believed you required a man’s love in order to be completely happy. From the depths of my being, I am so sorry you’d lived your life on the cusp of a chasm so black. I wish you had known your true self through the eyes of your daughters; and I don’t understand why Tara and I weren’t reasons enough for you to be content.
Not everything in life is always done the conventional way … Sometimes people have to take their own path, their own journey, different from that of the “standard human”. When our children are born, you look at them, and think they can be anything they want. The world is in the palm of their hands. You have big hopes, dreams, and aspirations for them. However, what happens when your child comes into the world three months before they are due to be born?! Well, all of those hopes and dreams you thought you had for your child, become different hopes and dreams. You truly just want them to make it to the next minute, the next hour, the next day. You live from moment to moment. Every ounce gained, is a party. Yes, I said one ounce. My son was born at 711 grams. That’s ONE pound, NINE ounces, 12 ½ inches long. My whole pregnancy was a “problem” from the get go. From how I found out that I was pregnant, to almost dying three months before he was even due to be born. It was Thanksgiving time, 1998 … I had been married for just over a year. I wasn’t necessarily trying to get pregnant, but I wasn’t NOT trying, either. I had also, just moved back home to New Jersey, after a short stint in Charlotte, NC. I was home sick, and just wanted to go back home. Everything happens for a reason, right?! Right. I didn’t know at the time, but I had moved back home, because I was about to experience the ride of my life, and needed my mother. Sure, I was most definitely homesick, but within months of being home, I found out I was preggers … in the Emergency Room. Like I said, it was Thanksgiving time, the day after actually, and my belly HURT! Too much turkey, maybe … But Damn, OUCH!!! Sharp, stabbing pains to my abdomen … literally doubled over, on the floor, dying in pain. “IT’S APPENDICITIS!! Get her to the ER”, my mother was screaming. My then husband, listened to his mother in law, and took me to the ER … “Any chance your pregnant?”, the nurse asked. “There’s always a chance, but I doubt it,” I said quietly.
“Well … YOU’RE PREGNANT!”, chimed the nurse. Of course, we weren’t expecting to hear this news, but oh my God, I was going to be a MOM! I had just turned 23. We truly didn’t know how to react. I kid you not … the first thought that went through my head … “Thank GOD I’m married!!” … You know, Irish-Catholic girl, doing it the “conventional“ way … you date, get engaged, get married, kids, etc. Conventional. But wait … why am I in pain, if I’m just pregnant … “Oh my God … Am I having a miscarriage?!”
Long story short … My cycles back then, were very unruly, so at the time, going by when my last period was, I would have been considered 2 ½ months pregnant, but my “numbers” from blood work, were telling another tale … So they, in fact, thought I was having a miscarriage. Moving forward, it was determined that I was about 3 weeks pregnant, at the time of my ER visit. I had a bunch of problems, from profusely bleeding in my 3rd month, to high blood pressure and bed rest, for the remainder of my pregnancy. It’s funny … when you’re young and “dumb”, and all you think is (or at least me) “All I ever wanted to be was a mom!”, no one tells you that you might die during labor (or before) … No one tells you that your child could potentially die inside of you, having to give birth to a stillborn … NO ONE FUCKING TELLS YOU THE COLD HARD TRUTH of being pregnant. Back then, everyone made it out to be all butterflies, unicorns and roses … They didn’t tell you how rough the morning sickness is going to be … I say “they”, referring to every female in your life … Back then, we didn’t have Google to tell us ANYTHING. I had been on bedrest for 3 weeks, when I had asked my doctor if I could go back to work, just to get out of the house. I have ADHD, and sitting still for any length of time, sucks. My doctor and I had a wonderful rapport (God rest his soul), and I was knees to the ground, begging to go back, and he finally agreed to part-time … Not even a week in, and my blood pressure had skyrocketed through the roof …. Again … You guessed it … bed rest!
April 23rd, 1999 … Still on the couch watching the coverage regarding The Columbine Shooting. I had woken up feeling okay. By 10am, I couldn’t keep anything down … nothing, at all … I didn’t feel sick, like the flu or anything … I just couldn’t stop throwing up. My baby daddy came home from work, to take me to the dr. Everything was fine in the office, but they needed to send me to the hospital, to get hydrated. While at the local hospital, I was about to have a seizure, and the dr’s there, decided to send me to the hospital that could handle premature births, better than the one that I was at. I was red-lighted from Newton to Morristown … A trip that would normally take 45 mins to an hour, took them 33 mins from door to door. I was dying, and didn’t have a clue!
April 24, 1999 … 6:30am … The nurse comes in to check my foley bag. I was given a catheter, due to my weakness, I was unable to get up and go to the bathroom. The bag was empty. She asked if someone had been in to empty the bag, when we told her no … the look on her face, I’ll never forget it … “Ummm … I’ll be right back”, she said. Upon her return, with the doctor, they explained that my organs were now shutting down, starting with my kidneys, and they had no choice, but to deliver my son via emergency c-section, in order to make me better. I had developed preeclampsia / toxemia, and in order to save me, they had to deliver him … My poor, helpless, little boy. Wait? WHAT?! “But his lungs are just developing now, how will he breath? Will he survive? Why is this happening to me?”
We didn’t really have time for answers. Not at that moment in time, anyhow.. Thinking back, I was so sick, that I really wasn’t scared. I had faith (or optimism) that everything was going to be okay.
All I ever wanted to be, was a mom. I was so close. Fourteen weeks away from meeting my son. Fourteen weeks away … from being someone’s mom.
