Everyone has a story. Story 2.

This is the last time.
Just tryin’ to survive.
One day at a time.
One second at a time.
They don’t know
What it takes …
They don’t know
How my heart breaks.
I’m honest,
But I lie.
If I stop, I’ll die.
If I stop, I’ll die.
However, I try.

I try.

Stupid pill has a hold on me.
Stupid pill needs to set me free.

This is the last time.
Just tryin’ to survive.
If I stop, I’ll die.
However, I try.

Gotta be up
Can’t be in bed
On my shoulders
Their lives depend
Can’t be sick
Gotta be fine
Need that pill
Just to thrive

Not even high,
Just gotta get by.

ON MY SHOULDERS
THEIR LIVES DEPEND!

No time to be sick.
No time for self will.
Gotta be up.
Just one more pill.

Everyone has a story … Story 1.

Last Friday, on my Facebook page, I asked people to submit their story to me.  Optimistic me, was hopeful for at least one juicy story … Pessimistic me didn’t think I would have any response … Boy was I wrong … and BOY am I glad I went out on a limb and asked!  I have gotten some pretty spectacular stuff to work with, and I couldn’t be more grateful! Thankful to everyone who has taken part.  All stories are anonymous. That being said … Here is what I have done with my first story … Short and sweet!

The door closes …
She fumbles for her phone …
She texts him.
It’s time.
She drives.
She thinks.
And thinks …
And … just like that…
She’s there.
The door agape.
He’s there.
Not a moment passes, when their lips are locked …
Tongues caressing each others mouth.
High school sweet hearts.
It’s been three, very lengthy weeks, since their last nuzzle.
You see time is not their friend, because their time belongs to another.
Yet, they can’t stop.
They try, but they can’t imagine life without the other.
At least some part of their lives.
She was supposed to marry him …
But circumstance had promised her to another.
A baby was growing inside of her.
And him …
He is getting what he needs at home.
There’s just something about her.
He cannot let go.
They tear each others clothes off ..
Propelled to feel the feel that takes it all away …

Well, at least for the moment …

Bodies thrashing, voices moaning …

It’s comfort, it’s familiar …

It’s what makes them, them

and because of that …

It’ll never end.  

Hi.

Hi. Hello.
Have we met?
Once or twice.
A million times, I bet.
However, you don’t know me.
You may think you do,
but truly,
You haven’t a clue.
What are my dreams,
My wants, my goals,
My deepest desires,
What’s in my soul?
Have you thought
To take the time
To know what drives me
To write my rhymes?
No? Oh. Cause i
t’s you …
An ungodly beast,
That drives me, motivates me,
It’ll never cease.
You were the one
Who tore me down,
You were the one
To make my heart drown.
To never feel a feel
That’s warm, that’s soft.
Instead to feel feels
That are callous, and rough.
Will you inform me
Why “just me”, wasn’t enough?

 

 

Grateful.

IMG_7006THIS IS MY 20TH POST!! Feeling grateful, as I’ve finally hit my first Word Press goal of 20+ followers.  Since I have taken this screenshot the other day, I have even received a few more followers, as well, and I just wanted to come on here and express my gratitude for any likes, comments and feedback that I have received, the connections I have made, friendships that are forming with like-minded creatures … It’s all been a dream come true for me.

For several years, people have told me that I should write … start off with a blog, and just write.  So I did.. and then I didn’t, but now I am, and I am not going to stop.  At this moment in time, in my own life, writing is the greatest pleasure I have.  Let’s face it, raising children isn’t rewarding in the moment. It’s after they are adults, when they can show you, that the humans you have helped to nurture, are, in fact, successful products of society … We don’t get “instant gratification” in raising our children.  I mean, don’t get me wrong … there are MOMENTS when we love love love our children, and they can do no wrong, but those moment are few … and VERY far in between.  So, for now, writing is, indeed, my greatest pleasure.

When I made the decision to Blog again, not that I really intended to stop, but life happened, and there was just so much for me juggle, so I let my writing go … BIG MISTAKE. BIG. HUGE!

giphy (1)
Gif from Pretty Woman

While 20 followers might not seem like a lot to most, it’s everything to me.  It’s the beginning.  I’ve only just begun!

Peace, love and happiness to you all!

 

Kindness.

“I’ve never met a person I haven’t liked”.

Have you said this before, or maybe heard someone else say it?  Well, for me, it’s pretty much true.  I like everyone (I’m working on this, as it is a legitimate problem).  However, why not like everyone?  I mean, don’t get me wrong … There are the few people who have rubbed me the wrong way upon meeting them, but I always give it a chance.  I mean, what has a “new person” in my life, ever done to me, to warrant me not liking them?!

That would be a big, fat NOTHING.

It doesn’t mean I need them to be my best friend for life (I have one of those), it just means that I give everyone a chance.  I do NOT listen to what “Susie May” has to say about “Mary Margaret’s” kids being a real pain in the ass.  I make my own decisions about people (and their kids), based on how they treat myself, my kids,  and their own kids and family. I do NOT listen to what other people have to say about “Joe Schmoe” down the road, who never mows his lawn (maybe Joe Schmoe is dealing with something that can’t be seen by naked eye), or whatever crazy things people like to conjure up, just to make their own miserable lives, a little more bearable.

WHAT did she say?!

You heard me … It’s fucking true!  People tear down other people, because they are not happy in their own person.  They want everyone else around them to be equally miserable.  Why?!

Well … Misery LOVES company!

We’ve all heard that statement before … But why?  Although the person may not come off as “miserable” … You can hear it in every word they speak … They complain about themselves, their significant other, their kids, their job, their boss, their diet, other people (my favorite … NOT), the fact that the sky is blue … the list is endless.  So, if misery loves company, and no one wants to be labeled as miserable, why is it so hard to just be happy (or at least fake it … kidding … kind of)?!  Why not look at what’s positive in your life, rather than what’s negative … WHY is this so hard?!

I don’t know, but this brings me to another point …

What is it about that one person who seems to love to “drive” people in other directions (sometimes without the other person even realizing what’s happening), rather than the direction they were already “driving”?! Who’s to blame … the person doing the driving, or the person listening to the driver?! ((ohhhh the things that make you go hmmmm))

What is it about that one person who will do anything to make someone feel like they don’t belong … if that person hasn’t done anything to deserve it? Again, who’s to blame, the person doing the insulting, or the other person not standing up for themselves, and asking the questions that need to be answered … “WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU?”.

It’s frustrating. It’s lonely. It’s sad.

See … when you’re the person who feels left out (and I have been, plenty of times), you take a chance on asking what’s up.  The chance being … honesty.  You may throw hints here and there to your peers, hoping to get answers, but when you’re made to feel like “it’s all in your head” (when you know damn well that it’s NOT) … you stop asking.  You stop trusting. You just move forward, wondering what you’ve done so terrible, to be treated so unkindly, when all you really want … is to just be friends.

Honesty IS the best policy!

Is it?!  People say that honesty is the best policy … I believe it, but so is communication.  However, there are times when communication has been met, without the honest answers.  So, how are you supposed to deal with the situation, if you can’t get honest answers, even from the person in question?!

You don’t.

You have to make the realistic decision, and accept that you can’t make everyone happy, so don’t even try.  You will only drive yourself insane.  So, you smile, you’re cordial, but most of all you’re kind.

Kill ’em with Kindness!

Kindness will never get you hurt.  It feels so good to be kind.  It feels so good to give.  It feels so good to be a decent human being … So why are there so many miserable people in the world?!  Maybe they aren’t “miserable” … maybe they are jelly … not grape or strawberry, but legitimately …

JEALOUS! (oh no she didn’t)

Oh YES she did!!! They are jealous. Jealous?!  Yes. Jealous.  Say the word JEALOUS, five times in a row … It sounds silly, right?  However, if you listen … by the 5th time, it sounds like “Gel-US” … Gel us together, and knock out the jealousy!!!  (Ahhhh, perhaps another movement I would love to create?!)

If I were in a situation like this, I would say … “JEALOUS OF WHAT?!!? I’m overweight, my house is a “mess”, I live each day to please the ungrateful twits I call my kids, and my husband … not that he’s ungrateful, but I do live to please him too, I’m lucky if I shower daily, and I mean LUCKY, I don’t get paid for my “job”, I’m insecure … shall I go on?!”.

Being jealous of anyone, or anything, is silly, actually.  There are so many directions I could go with this, but let’s start here … People tend to create a facade, if you will, of what their lives are, especially in this day of social media.  People tend to post about all the “good” in their lives.  No one really posts about how crappy of a day they are having,  or how much they can’t stand their kid (at the moment) … well, unless they are the type that posts about every single detail of their lives, (yes, you know who you are, maybe not lol) … but for the most part, people are showing their kids on their GOOD days, posts of loved ones that might be ill, needing some comfort, but still not awful, vacations, etc.. We, as a society, scroll through Facebook, Instagram, etc, as if we’ve been doing it our whole lives (umm, you’re doing it now! lol).  It’s crazy to think how the impact of social media, truly makes us feel.  Let’s be honest … if people don’t acknowledge that they’ve seen your post, with a ‘LIKE’, you may get mad … or, at the very least, a little upset.

I’m sure there are millions of other people who feel this same way.  So how do we change this?  What can be done different?

When you find out … please let me know!

I’m being facetious … sort of … I would LOVE feedback on this issue.  For now, my advice is this … Support and Kindness.  Give support, and be kind to everyone in your life.  No matter how big or small.  Be supportive of your girlfriend, whose husband just lost his job.  Be kind to the cashier, who couldn’t muster up a smile, because her family is in dire straits, and she had to quit school to get a job, to help her family.  Hell, just being kind to the person who isn’t so kind to you, truly does makes a difference, if not to them, definitely to you.

So bottom line is this … We do not know what goes on behind closed doors.  We do not know the reasons why some people are miserable in their own skin.  We, as a world, need to be a little more nice … a little more friendly … supportive … positive … and see how much different the world looks.  It’s pretty amazing!

Peace, love and happiness to you all!
(even the haters!)
LOL

Son, my number one.

“We’ve already won”

Do you know what it’s like to be me
Happy, easy-going, loving, carefree
Your vision of my face
You can clearly see
I’m smiling, I’m joyful
I’m bursting with glee
PLEASE … Do not be mistaken
While I smile for you
Inside, my heart is breaking
Broken … shattered, really
Somehow I’ve failed you, my son
Somehow I’ve failed you
My number one
Tell me what it is that
I haven’t done
You see, in my head
We’ve already won
From where you were
To where you are
Do you even realize
You’ve come so far

IMG_6998
Photo circa Mother’s Day 1999

Dig deep, my son
For you will see
That pushing yourself
Will set you free
Can’t is a word
You’ve always been told
To eliminate from your mind
No matter how old
Remember the time
You knew how to walk
Then surgery stole it
We sat, and we talked
“Mommy, oh Mommy
This isn’t fair
Why did God create me
Just to make me wear
Braces on my legs
I’ve been casted too
Procedure after procedure
Please tell me it’s true
I’ll walk again, Mommy
Maybe one day soon
Tell me I can, Mommy
Please sing me a tune”
Sweet melodies
From my heart they would come
Along with my song
I could hear him hum
My sweet young man
You have come so far
I wish you could see
Beyond every scar
That God makes no mistakes
You do have a purpose
For heavens sake
Never give up
My eldest son
Never give up
My number one

IMG_7002
Senior Portrait circa 2017

 

 

Paranoia creeps in.

“Thanks. Go away.”



Hello old friend.
YOU, are not my friend. Go away.
I won’t.
Then what do you want?
Ohhh … Nothing. Just passing through to say …

No one likes you, including your kids, because you’re a dreadful mother, wife and friend. Don’t forget … you suck at life. You’re so stupid, senseless, naive. Yes, she REALLY hates your guts. You’re weak, fragile, powerless. You’re ugly, appalling … a beast. How can you think you’re beautiful … Oh, right … YOU DON’T! You’re fat AND lazy. You never get shit done. They ARE talking about you, and YOU … you’re just pathetic.

IMG_6940
Photo by: JuSteph4All

 Thanks. Go away.
Where should I go? I’m stuck in your head.
JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!
I won’t, for without me, you don’t have a friend.
PLEASE … just go away.
I won’t. You can beg, but you’re fragile, you’re weak.
Fine stay.
It’s easy for me to win.
You always do. You ruin my life.
No I don’t. You do that on your own.
Thanks. Go away.
I won’t.
Then stay.
I will.
Okay.

Head-games. (with a capital H)

“Alone from the voices, I call my very own…”

My confidence fails me,
Every now and again;
When it strays, it’s replaced with
Paranoia, not zen.

Happiness, laughter …
All my sunny rays,
Have turned to this uninviting,
Hazy shade of grey.

IMG_6912
Photo Edited by JuSteph4All

I’m unlovable, uncaring,
UN-everything
, it’s true …
however,
If I’m so NOT anything,
Then how am I blue?

My sense of humor,
Nowhere to be found.
It’s in there somewhere,
It’s buried deep down.

Why does this happen?
Is it only me?
I’m someone who’s typically filled
With smiles, life and glee.

I’m hideous, you say?
Right down to the bone …
If I’m so NOT anything,
Why can’t I be alone?

Alone from the voices
I call my very own …
The words are so harsh!
Haven’t I grown?!

GO! Go away!

I HAVE grown, but

To you, this I say ..

Yes, go away, however
Don’t go too far,
As tomorrow is another day …
For my head and heart to spar.

Do I really want you gone?
Why can’t you read my mind?
For there are billions of words that swirl in my head,
Go ahead … look, seek, tell me what you find.

It’s blank you say?
Whatever. Look deeper
See clearer … Dig through,
And please tell me, am I a keeper?

NO!

NO?

I am a keeper …
Of secrets, of stories,
Of money, of time,
I am the keeper of poetics that rhyme.

It’s not enough. It is enough.
I’m not. I am.
This brain of mine, is rough …
however,
For today, I AM ENOUGH!

IMG_6914
Photo taken by JuSteph4All

 

Remember Me?!

“I showed my little one kindness …”

So, it’s been a minute since I have sat at my computer, and written.  Why? … Time? … Life? … Overwhelmed? … Well, yes to all the above.  About seven months ago, I made a promise to myself that I would write on a daily basis, no matter if it was something to be published, or to just write and keep my mind at peace.  Writing does that for me.  It’s everything to me.  It’s creative, it’s cathartic … it’s a release.  So why has it been a good four months since I’ve written anything?!!?  I don’t know. Maybe I thought I would get more support from the people closest to me, friends, family … Maybe I thought I would be an instant success (that’s a HUGE maybe) … Maybe I was afraid to fail … Maybe my mom was re-diagnosed with cancer … Maybe I have felt overwhelmed.  Not from writing, but with life.  I started to feel depressed.  Winter blues?  Maybe.  I do suffer from them highly.  Lack of things to do?  No. November and December were crazy busy months! Lack of friends? That would be a no, as well. I know who my true friends are, and aren’t, and those that are, are held as close to my heart, as my own family, since friends are the family we choose. Then what the hell is it?!

I’m typically the person who, if I’m told I can’t do something, I will dig in and show YOU that I can.  Problem is, no one has told me that I can’t, so I haven’t had that drive to “show you”, that I can.  Another problem is honesty.  The few people who do praise my writing, are the very few people who are supposed to.  If you like my writing, tell me.  If you don’t, tell me… I’m always looking for feedback, constructive criticism … I am, however, NOT looking to be knocked down, I do that fine on my own. HA!  If you have nothing nice to say, keep your shit to yourself. If you secretly want to see me fail … Fuck you.  Get your own life together, and then maybe you can be happy to see someone else succeed.  PS … I wish “those people” nothing, but the best! Ugh!  

Which brings me to another point, and possibly another article to write … What is wrong with people now a days?  There is enough, in this world, for everyone to be successful.  Be happy for someone else, and maybe you can be happy in your own life. Whether it be a successful singer, actress, doctor, lawyer, mom, dad, secretary, police officer, writer, producer, artist (in any form), athlete … Wake up each morning and be grateful for another day of life. Stop seeking the negativity, and start realizing all things positive in your life, and watch how the world around you starts to change.  

A little story.  I went to the store yesterday.  There was an adorable little girl, maybe 3 or 4, with downs syndrome.  I noticed my daughter looking at her (as far as I know, she’s never really seen a child with downs before).  This adorable little girl was a spirit full of love that could be seen by anyone with a freaking heart.  Instead of making a big deal of the little girls downs, I showed my little one kindness … This little love was saying Hi to everyone … Some people would kindly respond, some would just walk on by (heavily rolling my eyes).  I stopped shopping, and took the time to interact with her.  She said “Hi! Hi! Hi!” … I said “Hi there honey! How are you?  Are you having fun shopping with Daddy?” … She was so happy that I, a stranger, took the time to have a micro-convo with her.  You would have thought that I had handed her a winning lottery ticket.  My daughter never questioned “what was wrong with her” … she just saw her as an adorable little girl. Hashtag micro-convo … Perhaps a movement I would like to start?! Have a micro-convo with a stranger, a child, a veteran … It will change their day, and yours too! #microconvo

Regardless, this post is simply to hold myself accountable, and move forward with my writing.  I’ve come to realize that writing, for me, is equal to oxygen.  I need it in my life to live, to be happy, to feel less stressed … and a little less overwhelmed.  I don’t think of writing as a “job” for me, but I’m going to, moving forward.  I’m going to allot a certain amount of time, each day, to write.  I’m going to try to post something, a minimum of once per week, more if I can.  I have plenty to say, and write about.  I just hope to see some feedback in the future, from my peers, about what you like, what you don’t … maybe some suggestions on topics to write about.  I love a challenge. I love to research new topics.  Did y’all like when I did “interviews” or should I keep my blog to straight up articles, stories and poems?!  Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated.  Wishing you all a very happy, healthy, and PRODUCTIVE 2018! Peace, love and happiness to you all!

Take my arm … 

Instead of hers.

Take my arm.
Instead of hers.
With each poke and prot
She winces, it burns.
TAKE MY ARM!
Instead of hers!
I feel her pain.
Literally.
Can it get worse?
I bow my head,
As a tear falls down.
I say a prayer.
I ask the Lord, why?
Why her?!
What did she do?
To deserve this misery.
To have this placed upon her.
What did she do …
you ask?
She raised two children.
On her own.
For the most part.
We had incredible grandparents.
Whom aided.
A lot.  Continue reading “Take my arm … “