Head-games. (with a capital H)

“Alone from the voices, I call my very own…”

My confidence fails me,
Every now and again;
When it strays, it’s replaced with
Paranoia, not zen.

Happiness, laughter …
All my sunny rays,
Have turned to this uninviting,
Hazy shade of grey.

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Photo Edited by JuSteph4All

I’m unlovable, uncaring,
UN-everything
, it’s true …
however,
If I’m so NOT anything,
Then how am I blue?

My sense of humor,
Nowhere to be found.
It’s in there somewhere,
It’s buried deep down.

Why does this happen?
Is it only me?
I’m someone who’s typically filled
With smiles, life and glee.

I’m hideous, you say?
Right down to the bone …
If I’m so NOT anything,
Why can’t I be alone?

Alone from the voices
I call my very own …
The words are so harsh!
Haven’t I grown?!

GO! Go away!

I HAVE grown, but

To you, this I say ..

Yes, go away, however
Don’t go too far,
As tomorrow is another day …
For my head and heart to spar.

Do I really want you gone?
Why can’t you read my mind?
For there are billions of words that swirl in my head,
Go ahead … look, seek, tell me what you find.

It’s blank you say?
Whatever. Look deeper
See clearer … Dig through,
And please tell me, am I a keeper?

NO!

NO?

I am a keeper …
Of secrets, of stories,
Of money, of time,
I am the keeper of poetics that rhyme.

It’s not enough. It is enough.
I’m not. I am.
This brain of mine, is rough …
however,
For today, I AM ENOUGH!

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Photo taken by JuSteph4All

 

Remember Me?!

“I showed my little one kindness …”

So, it’s been a minute since I have sat at my computer, and written.  Why? … Time? … Life? … Overwhelmed? … Well, yes to all the above.  About seven months ago, I made a promise to myself that I would write on a daily basis, no matter if it was something to be published, or to just write and keep my mind at peace.  Writing does that for me.  It’s everything to me.  It’s creative, it’s cathartic … it’s a release.  So why has it been a good four months since I’ve written anything?!!?  I don’t know. Maybe I thought I would get more support from the people closest to me, friends, family … Maybe I thought I would be an instant success (that’s a HUGE maybe) … Maybe I was afraid to fail … Maybe my mom was re-diagnosed with cancer … Maybe I have felt overwhelmed.  Not from writing, but with life.  I started to feel depressed.  Winter blues?  Maybe.  I do suffer from them highly.  Lack of things to do?  No. November and December were crazy busy months! Lack of friends? That would be a no, as well. I know who my true friends are, and aren’t, and those that are, are held as close to my heart, as my own family, since friends are the family we choose. Then what the hell is it?!

I’m typically the person who, if I’m told I can’t do something, I will dig in and show YOU that I can.  Problem is, no one has told me that I can’t, so I haven’t had that drive to “show you”, that I can.  Another problem is honesty.  The few people who do praise my writing, are the very few people who are supposed to.  If you like my writing, tell me.  If you don’t, tell me… I’m always looking for feedback, constructive criticism … I am, however, NOT looking to be knocked down, I do that fine on my own. HA!  If you have nothing nice to say, keep your shit to yourself. If you secretly want to see me fail … Fuck you.  Get your own life together, and then maybe you can be happy to see someone else succeed.  PS … I wish “those people” nothing, but the best! Ugh!  

Which brings me to another point, and possibly another article to write … What is wrong with people now a days?  There is enough, in this world, for everyone to be successful.  Be happy for someone else, and maybe you can be happy in your own life. Whether it be a successful singer, actress, doctor, lawyer, mom, dad, secretary, police officer, writer, producer, artist (in any form), athlete … Wake up each morning and be grateful for another day of life. Stop seeking the negativity, and start realizing all things positive in your life, and watch how the world around you starts to change.  

A little story.  I went to the store yesterday.  There was an adorable little girl, maybe 3 or 4, with downs syndrome.  I noticed my daughter looking at her (as far as I know, she’s never really seen a child with downs before).  This adorable little girl was a spirit full of love that could be seen by anyone with a freaking heart.  Instead of making a big deal of the little girls downs, I showed my little one kindness … This little love was saying Hi to everyone … Some people would kindly respond, some would just walk on by (heavily rolling my eyes).  I stopped shopping, and took the time to interact with her.  She said “Hi! Hi! Hi!” … I said “Hi there honey! How are you?  Are you having fun shopping with Daddy?” … She was so happy that I, a stranger, took the time to have a micro-convo with her.  You would have thought that I had handed her a winning lottery ticket.  My daughter never questioned “what was wrong with her” … she just saw her as an adorable little girl. Hashtag micro-convo … Perhaps a movement I would like to start?! Have a micro-convo with a stranger, a child, a veteran … It will change their day, and yours too! #microconvo

Regardless, this post is simply to hold myself accountable, and move forward with my writing.  I’ve come to realize that writing, for me, is equal to oxygen.  I need it in my life to live, to be happy, to feel less stressed … and a little less overwhelmed.  I don’t think of writing as a “job” for me, but I’m going to, moving forward.  I’m going to allot a certain amount of time, each day, to write.  I’m going to try to post something, a minimum of once per week, more if I can.  I have plenty to say, and write about.  I just hope to see some feedback in the future, from my peers, about what you like, what you don’t … maybe some suggestions on topics to write about.  I love a challenge. I love to research new topics.  Did y’all like when I did “interviews” or should I keep my blog to straight up articles, stories and poems?!  Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated.  Wishing you all a very happy, healthy, and PRODUCTIVE 2018! Peace, love and happiness to you all!

Take my arm … 

Instead of hers.

Take my arm.
Instead of hers.
With each poke and prot
She winces, it burns.
TAKE MY ARM!
Instead of hers!
I feel her pain.
Literally.
Can it get worse?
I bow my head,
As a tear falls down.
I say a prayer.
I ask the Lord, why?
Why her?!
What did she do?
To deserve this misery.
To have this placed upon her.
What did she do …
you ask?
She raised two children.
On her own.
For the most part.
We had incredible grandparents.
Whom aided.
A lot.  Continue reading “Take my arm … “

When words were all I had …

My blood turned to ink when words were all I had.
When words were all I had to convey what a monster you were.
What a monster you are.
Still. To this day,
I despise you.
No more shall I feel daunted by you.
To better myself, I’ve reopened my scars,
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Taken my quill pen,
Dipped it into my deep, burgundy red blood,
And scratched away.
Words poured from my soul.
With each scratch of the quill, I felt release.
A release like never before.
Digging deeper into my flesh with my quill …
Laceration after laceration …
Snatching all the blood I could get,
To provide the ink for thoughts.
The words were overshadowing the pain.
I couldn’t keep up with my brain.
The more I wrote, the better I felt.
Weird?
Not weird.
Freeing.
Only a moment ago, I couldn’t bear the thought of you.
Remembering meant feeling.
Feeling meant shutting down.
Shutting down meant losing.
Losing meant almost losing it all.
Everything.
Not now.
Fuck you.
Fuck all that you’ve done to make me the person I am.
Fuck you.
The person, I WAS.
I’m no longer under your spell.
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Free for years, physically, but tortured in thoughts, relentlessly.
Some may have called you sick … I called you Lucifer.
Satan … The Devil.
You lost at life when you stole my innocence.
Your own daughter.

 

Forever Broken.

A soul like mine has many reasons to live.

Dark. Alone … Isolated.

Deprived of ever being a child.

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Lost. Broken … Worthless.

Made a woman,
Before the choice was mine.

Secluded. Lonely … Detached.

He embezzled the purest part of me,
before I knew what purity meant. Continue reading “Forever Broken.”

Tomorrow is not promised. 

Take more pictures
This is your vow
Don’t wait until tomorrow
Start taking them now!
Tomorrow’s not promised,
We take advantage of mother time
Uncork more bottles,
Start “cheering” the wine.
Spend more time reading,
Than running around.
Take time to relax; or
You’re gonna fall down.
You need to be strong,
On her life, she now depends,
For you to be the one,
Who repairs all of her mends.
You know you got this,
We’ve been here before …
The faith that comes
From within,
Is banging on your door.


Open it …
It’s okay …
Let faith come in,
And help to ease the pain. Continue reading “Tomorrow is not promised. “

Into The Deep …

Take me deep … Keep falling … Hold me!

**Good Morning Friends … I have submitted this piece to be a part of a bigger audience, next month. Please cross your fingers and toes, that I’m one of the lucky ones to be chosen to be featured with a Guest Submission on The Ink Owl’s Page … I’ve included the link to their page, so you can check them out, and or submit something of your own!**

The prompt, for the submission, from the page, is as follows:

” I would like submissions to contain an essence of fantasy as well as reflect this prompt”:
“Into the deep I plunge.”

I’ve included that, so my poem, makes more sense, as you read it.  Enjoy!  As always, constructive criticism, is more than welcome! ;o)

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Into the deep I plunge …
The deepest, darkest place
I can find … in my brain,
Yet … nowhere to be found.

The light, the one that once shone
From within, is beckoning to be heard ….
To be seen … to be loved.

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Into the deep I plunge,
Happily Ever After…
One step forward,
Sadly,
Two steps back.
I vowed FOREVER!
Is forever now?

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The deeper I plunge,
The further I fall …

… into GRACE?! …

A space forgotten by me,
Forgotten by all!

Shame on them, shame on me!

Take me deep …
Keep falling … Hold Me!
Let Me GO! … Take my hand,
Fall with me …..

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Into the deep I go …
Where? What? Why? …

… HOW?! …

How have I fallen…
This deep, without letting go?

Further … Slower … Clinching

TIGHTLY!

Oh … I see now … REJOICING!

You never let go …

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Into the deep I plunge …
It’s warm … welcoming,
Inviting … I like it here …

Come with me … You’ll love it too.

Hold my hand, don’t let go! For …

Into the deep WE plunge ……….

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