“I hope you know I did my best, while still believing that ONE DAY he would stay sober.”

An open letter to my two adult children & those that may need to hear these words …

I’m soooo sorry you have just suffered the loss of your father, at such a young age. It’s not fair to you. Even though you may have felt prepared for this moment, you’re never, ever really prepared … and that is a fact.

I’m sorry that you never really got to know the man that he “could have been” … You had glimpses, and because of those glimpses, you both had HOPE! We all did.

I’m so sorry that your hearts have, yet again, been broken by by the man you yearn to call “Daddy” … but I CAN promise you, it was the last time.

I don’t want to dwell on bad times. Anyone who has dealt with addiction, knows the dark and dirty it can do to someone. I need you both to know that I am SO PROUD of who the two of you are turning out to be … You are both smart, funny, loving … You are growing into fine, KIND HUMANS, and that was, and is, my only goal for you as people of this world … With all that both of you have been through, I’m grateful that you have chosen paths to better yourselves. It’s easy to fall, and make bad choices when you have every reason to, but it takes courage and strength to stand and power through all the bull shit neither of you deserved, and come out so much better, and happier, on the other side. This is officially the end of the chapter in your lives, that I tried so hard, as your mother, to protect you from. I hope you know I did my best, while still believing that ONE DAY he would stay sober.

That being said …

Let me tell you a story …

Back in 1997, when I married your dad, we had great dreams of having children, owning a home, having pets … that white picket fence … and for a very short time, we did.

You guys were babies when he and I separated, and ultimately divorced … I have about six years of great memories with him …

The way he courted me back in 1995, it was like I was the only female in the world … he really knew how to make me feel special … he would open the door for me … always … even the car door … always … he was charismatic, good looking and just an all around fun guy to be around. There was no greater love in my eyes, at that time. I was head over heels! No one could tell me ANYTHING! I remember the first time I saw him … it was a bright, sunshiny day in July. We were both attending Dover Business College. My friend Sylvia, and I were walking back to class from our break, and your father and his buddy, Dave (Donato), were walking towards us … we totally made eye contact, smiled at each other … and I said to my friend … “I’m gonna marry that boy!” … and I did.

Our relationship was special. I know that many people may never understand what it was I saw in him … but I do. This was way before his addiction. We never fought … until much later on, but that was because of his addictions … it wasn’t who he was. He was kind and gentle, like you Seany. He was actually the type of person who would give you his shirt off his back, if it meant the other person had something to wear, like you, Morgan. I’m not here to glorify him, but I am here to give you a better understanding of the man he “could have been”, and the understanding of why I chose him to be my husband, and your father.

I know you both have your own memories that you will hold on to for the rest of your life. I’m so happy that you have a few decent ones to stick your claws into, and never, ever let them go. One day you’ll be able to forgive him for the hurt and angst that he has caused the both of you, and you’ll smile when you remember the corny, goofy guy he was.

Again, I’m not here to defend the man who once, almost, destroyed me … but I am here to tell you both,

THANK YOU …

Thank you for being the reasons I always got up in the morning … there were many that I would have rather stayed in bed …

Thank you for being the reasons I vowed to be the best mom to you both …

Thank you for being the reasons I worked so hard as a single mom to give you both everything you needed, wanted and more.

But most importantly … Thank you for loving me through all my faults. Everything I have done since you’ve been born, has been for you both.

Life happens and people change, but I hope you know that your father loved you both so much. The problem wasn’t YOU … the problem was that he didn’t love himself enough to change his addiction. Although you have lived through some pretty tumultuous times … the good, most definitely, outweighs the bad … hold on to every silver lining you can … because all you have now are your memories … I hope they make you smile, and not sad. Just know that he is no longer suffering … he really loved you guys the best way he knew how.

To my ex husband, Sean Michael … Thank you for giving me 2 of my greatest treasures in this world. Without you, I wouldn’t have them. I hope you know that I was always there for you, even when you didn’t deserve me to. I went to bat for you more than I ever should have, because like I said before … we all had glimpses of the man you could’ve been, so I had faith and hope. I’m sorry that you couldn’t fight the demons without some type of substance in your body. I wish, for our children, that you could have won, and been there to see weddings, grand babies, graduations, and just so much more … but I know you’ll be watching from above … please protect your children … all of them.

Again, To my children … Know that I love you more than I can ever convey in words. I’ll always be here for you, no matter what, and I feel that your father wanted to be, he just couldn’t.

To Desiree, Eva and Jeffrey … No matter where our paths have lead us and where they will lead us … we all have a bond that no one will ever understand, unless they have lived this nightmare. I don’t take for granted the special memories we do have. They will forever remain in my heart, always.

Lastly … To my husband … YOU … are my rock. YOU … are the one who taught me to think with my head, and not my heart, and I’ll forever be grateful to you for that. You have never let me, or our family down, and we are all grateful to have you in our lives, but most importantly in our hearts. My only regret is that we didn’t reconnect sooner, so we could be together that much longer. I love you, always, forever.

I hope someone finds peace in my words.

I love you all!

RIP Sean Michael Gill … I truly hope you are at peace.

Forever Broken.

A soul like mine has many reasons to live.

Dark. Alone … Isolated.

Deprived of ever being a child.

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Lost. Broken … Worthless.

Made a woman,
Before the choice was mine.

Secluded. Lonely … Detached.

He embezzled the purest part of me,
before I knew what purity meant. Continue reading “Forever Broken.”

Into The Deep …

Take me deep … Keep falling … Hold me!

**Good Morning Friends … I have submitted this piece to be a part of a bigger audience, next month. Please cross your fingers and toes, that I’m one of the lucky ones to be chosen to be featured with a Guest Submission on The Ink Owl’s Page … I’ve included the link to their page, so you can check them out, and or submit something of your own!**

The prompt, for the submission, from the page, is as follows:

” I would like submissions to contain an essence of fantasy as well as reflect this prompt”:
“Into the deep I plunge.”

I’ve included that, so my poem, makes more sense, as you read it.  Enjoy!  As always, constructive criticism, is more than welcome! ;o)

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Into the deep I plunge …
The deepest, darkest place
I can find … in my brain,
Yet … nowhere to be found.

The light, the one that once shone
From within, is beckoning to be heard ….
To be seen … to be loved.

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Into the deep I plunge,
Happily Ever After…
One step forward,
Sadly,
Two steps back.
I vowed FOREVER!
Is forever now?

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The deeper I plunge,
The further I fall …

… into GRACE?! …

A space forgotten by me,
Forgotten by all!

Shame on them, shame on me!

Take me deep …
Keep falling … Hold Me!
Let Me GO! … Take my hand,
Fall with me …..

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Into the deep I go …
Where? What? Why? …

… HOW?! …

How have I fallen…
This deep, without letting go?

Further … Slower … Clinching

TIGHTLY!

Oh … I see now … REJOICING!

You never let go …

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Into the deep I plunge …
It’s warm … welcoming,
Inviting … I like it here …

Come with me … You’ll love it too.

Hold my hand, don’t let go! For …

Into the deep WE plunge ……….

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