“I hope you know I did my best, while still believing that ONE DAY he would stay sober.”

An open letter to my two adult children & those that may need to hear these words …

I’m soooo sorry you have just suffered the loss of your father, at such a young age. It’s not fair to you. Even though you may have felt prepared for this moment, you’re never, ever really prepared … and that is a fact.

I’m sorry that you never really got to know the man that he “could have been” … You had glimpses, and because of those glimpses, you both had HOPE! We all did.

I’m so sorry that your hearts have, yet again, been broken by by the man you yearn to call “Daddy” … but I CAN promise you, it was the last time.

I don’t want to dwell on bad times. Anyone who has dealt with addiction, knows the dark and dirty it can do to someone. I need you both to know that I am SO PROUD of who the two of you are turning out to be … You are both smart, funny, loving … You are growing into fine, KIND HUMANS, and that was, and is, my only goal for you as people of this world … With all that both of you have been through, I’m grateful that you have chosen paths to better yourselves. It’s easy to fall, and make bad choices when you have every reason to, but it takes courage and strength to stand and power through all the bull shit neither of you deserved, and come out so much better, and happier, on the other side. This is officially the end of the chapter in your lives, that I tried so hard, as your mother, to protect you from. I hope you know I did my best, while still believing that ONE DAY he would stay sober.

That being said …

Let me tell you a story …

Back in 1997, when I married your dad, we had great dreams of having children, owning a home, having pets … that white picket fence … and for a very short time, we did.

You guys were babies when he and I separated, and ultimately divorced … I have about six years of great memories with him …

The way he courted me back in 1995, it was like I was the only female in the world … he really knew how to make me feel special … he would open the door for me … always … even the car door … always … he was charismatic, good looking and just an all around fun guy to be around. There was no greater love in my eyes, at that time. I was head over heels! No one could tell me ANYTHING! I remember the first time I saw him … it was a bright, sunshiny day in July. We were both attending Dover Business College. My friend Sylvia, and I were walking back to class from our break, and your father and his buddy, Dave (Donato), were walking towards us … we totally made eye contact, smiled at each other … and I said to my friend … “I’m gonna marry that boy!” … and I did.

Our relationship was special. I know that many people may never understand what it was I saw in him … but I do. This was way before his addiction. We never fought … until much later on, but that was because of his addictions … it wasn’t who he was. He was kind and gentle, like you Seany. He was actually the type of person who would give you his shirt off his back, if it meant the other person had something to wear, like you, Morgan. I’m not here to glorify him, but I am here to give you a better understanding of the man he “could have been”, and the understanding of why I chose him to be my husband, and your father.

I know you both have your own memories that you will hold on to for the rest of your life. I’m so happy that you have a few decent ones to stick your claws into, and never, ever let them go. One day you’ll be able to forgive him for the hurt and angst that he has caused the both of you, and you’ll smile when you remember the corny, goofy guy he was.

Again, I’m not here to defend the man who once, almost, destroyed me … but I am here to tell you both,

THANK YOU …

Thank you for being the reasons I always got up in the morning … there were many that I would have rather stayed in bed …

Thank you for being the reasons I vowed to be the best mom to you both …

Thank you for being the reasons I worked so hard as a single mom to give you both everything you needed, wanted and more.

But most importantly … Thank you for loving me through all my faults. Everything I have done since you’ve been born, has been for you both.

Life happens and people change, but I hope you know that your father loved you both so much. The problem wasn’t YOU … the problem was that he didn’t love himself enough to change his addiction. Although you have lived through some pretty tumultuous times … the good, most definitely, outweighs the bad … hold on to every silver lining you can … because all you have now are your memories … I hope they make you smile, and not sad. Just know that he is no longer suffering … he really loved you guys the best way he knew how.

To my ex husband, Sean Michael … Thank you for giving me 2 of my greatest treasures in this world. Without you, I wouldn’t have them. I hope you know that I was always there for you, even when you didn’t deserve me to. I went to bat for you more than I ever should have, because like I said before … we all had glimpses of the man you could’ve been, so I had faith and hope. I’m sorry that you couldn’t fight the demons without some type of substance in your body. I wish, for our children, that you could have won, and been there to see weddings, grand babies, graduations, and just so much more … but I know you’ll be watching from above … please protect your children … all of them.

Again, To my children … Know that I love you more than I can ever convey in words. I’ll always be here for you, no matter what, and I feel that your father wanted to be, he just couldn’t.

To Desiree, Eva and Jeffrey … No matter where our paths have lead us and where they will lead us … we all have a bond that no one will ever understand, unless they have lived this nightmare. I don’t take for granted the special memories we do have. They will forever remain in my heart, always.

Lastly … To my husband … YOU … are my rock. YOU … are the one who taught me to think with my head, and not my heart, and I’ll forever be grateful to you for that. You have never let me, or our family down, and we are all grateful to have you in our lives, but most importantly in our hearts. My only regret is that we didn’t reconnect sooner, so we could be together that much longer. I love you, always, forever.

I hope someone finds peace in my words.

I love you all!

RIP Sean Michael Gill … I truly hope you are at peace.

Take my arm … 

Instead of hers.

Take my arm.
Instead of hers.
With each poke and prot
She winces, it burns.
TAKE MY ARM!
Instead of hers!
I feel her pain.
Literally.
Can it get worse?
I bow my head,
As a tear falls down.
I say a prayer.
I ask the Lord, why?
Why her?!
What did she do?
To deserve this misery.
To have this placed upon her.
What did she do …
you ask?
She raised two children.
On her own.
For the most part.
We had incredible grandparents.
Whom aided.
A lot.  Continue reading “Take my arm … “

Forever Broken.

A soul like mine has many reasons to live.

Dark. Alone … Isolated.

Deprived of ever being a child.

BLOG_ALONE2

Lost. Broken … Worthless.

Made a woman,
Before the choice was mine.

Secluded. Lonely … Detached.

He embezzled the purest part of me,
before I knew what purity meant. Continue reading “Forever Broken.”

Dear 18 year old, ME!

These are the moments, that make us who we are!

As a person who likes to write, I carry my knowledge of “life” a little differently.  I keep certain things on the back burner for “just the right moment” to  give a life lesson.  Child #2, who is almost 16 (and female), says it best when I have some advice to offer.

She says, “Does everything have to be a life lesson, Mooooommmmm?!!?” Ohhhh how I wish you could hear me imitate her, I’ve pretty much nailed it.

My response, “Why yes, yes it does, because I wish I had someone like ME around, to offer this same advice to me, when I was your age! Now be quiet, and listen!!”

HA! So, since we all know kids hardly ever listen, I’ve decided to write this letter to the person who listens to me the most, HEARS exactly what it is that I’m actually saying, and loves me to the moon and back … yup, you guessed it … MYSELF!!

Dear 18-year-old, ME,

Soon you’ll be graduating high school, the best years of your life … or were they?  I know you hear it all the time from your mom, or grand parents, how “these are the best years of your life”, but are they?  Do you know what is in store for the next 60+ years?  High School is a mere minute, in this thing called life, and I know it’s hard to see past next week, but  you have no idea what life will entail exactly, but I do know these things…

STUDY, study hard, because graduating high school, is WAY more important than that party in the woods…

Remember to thank those that taught you, no matter what you think, they never gave up on you….

When you fall, jump back up, because as you get older, you can’t jump quite as quick,  both literally and metaphorically…

Those kids that talk shit behind your back, HA! Have no worries about them, Karma most certainly will give them a smack…

Don’t worry about the clothes you wear, people aren’t going to remember if you had clothes from the Thrift Store or The Mall…

You don’t have to drink or do drugs to fit in and be popular, be yourself, and those who matter will love you for you … and trust me, it is very clear, if you open your eyes, who will still be there in 20 years, and who will be gone…

There are more important things in life than your unruly, curly, frizzy hair (ha! who am I kidding, I’m still pissed off about this one, and some things will never change … yet another lesson in life)

That boy who broke your heart, it’s okay, there will be plenty more fish in the sea, and guess what, YOU WILL SURVIVE.  You will also get married at a young age, and when he breaks your heart, you will think your life is over.  Just know it’s okay, there is a reason, and that reason will make you happy and content for the rest of your life…

That boss who cut your hours?  Don’t get mad at him, he needed to give the hours to Susie Noname, because she’s a single mom of two kids, under the age of 3.  She needs the money way more than you.  Be gracious, be kind, because one day, that WILL be you, and you will be okay.

Your “best” friend just ditched you for other friends, it’s okay … They weren’t your friend to begin with … Your true friends won’t hurt you, ever, not intentionally, of course.  Remember, we are all human, and it is okay to make mistakes, it’s never okay to be mean.

You got ditched at the shore, because guys can suck?! It’s okay, the blessing that “saved” you that weekend?  She is still in your life at 41, and she’s the one you call your bestest … guess what? She didn’t even go to your school!

That sense of humor that got you kicked out of class??  Don’t ever lose it!!  Having a sense of humor will get you through the darkest of times.

Don’t be afraid to speak up for what you believe in!  You have every right to have your own thoughts and opinions.  Stop trying to please every single person in your life, and worry about making yourself happy!! It’s your life, live it to the fullest.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help! Those honors students are Honors, for a reason … They are smart, they can help.  Just ask. It’s better to get help, than to fail, but if you still fail, it’s okay, you did your best, and gave it your all.  Not everyone understands ADHD, but as you get older, you learn how to deal. It will be okay.

That girl who called you fat? She has issues of her own … let it be.  Don’t name call back, just try to be a friend, because you DON’T  know what goes on at home.

The rest of your life is waiting for you, you’ll be amazed to know that the best is yet to come.  Even though life has its ups and downs, twists and turns, the rest of your life is better than this. So don’t fret when Sally Soandso talks shit, or Joe Blow breaks your heart … These are the moments, that make us who we are!!

Love you always,

Your 41-year-old Self